


because i believe everything

by transpapyrus



Series: The Holosquad Saga [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Catharsis, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23140870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transpapyrus/pseuds/transpapyrus
Summary: A series of short Picard-based one-shots & drabbles, based on various prompts. Will mainly center around Hugh, the holograms, Zhaban and Laris, and a little bit of Picard himself.All chapter titles are the text of the prompt, with the central character listed after.
Series: The Holosquad Saga [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655560
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	1. I am sad and angry and I want everyone to be alive again. [Hugh]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months after escaping from the Artifact, Hugh reconnects with an old friend.
> 
>  ** _"I didn’t want to write these pages until there were no hard feelings, no sharp ones. I do not have that luxury. I am sad and angry and I want everyone to be alive again."_** \-- Richard Siken, Black Telephone

it hits him hard sometimes, most times. even days, weeks, months later **\------** even when so much time has passed that he cannot even accurately say how long its been, the loss of the xbs still weighs heavy on his chest. he can still see them as if their bodies are on the floor in front of him. he can feel narissa’s breath on the back of his neck, imagine her cruel **_& & _**cold smile. hear the screams that are just as likely to be his own as the borg’s. he’s moved on with his life, because he had to. he’d gotten away. **SURVIVED.** not by his own will. he’d wished for weeks after that he had been left behind on the artifact, that he could’ve died there with them.

 _you’re a survivor,_ someone tells him. maybe that’s true. but maybe he doesn’t _want_ to be. **_what good is surviving if you can’t do anything?_**

the others try to be there for him, to be compassionate, offer advice. but advice won’t bring anyone back. _**compassion**_ won’t bring anyone back. elnor’s kindness is appreciated, but his candor less so. and he’s now come to resent picard again, in his own private way, for being the catalyst that set everything in motion. he would never tell the old man this. god knows he’s done far more good than harm. but hugh cannot help but feel the anger building up inside him. the blame has to go somewhere, after all.

deep down, narissa’s words ring clear in his head. _**you’re the reason these things died.**_

he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to shake that guilt.

alone, without a crew, without his friends, his family, without _**purpose** , _he wallows in his own self-pity for far longer than he ever should’ve been able to. protected as a federation citizen and also a refugee, he’s been given an apartment back on earth, a small support system, basic necessities while he gets himself back on his feet....

but they won’t leave him alone. the questions keep coming, from starfleet, from the media, everyone wants to know exactly what happened on the romulan reclamation site. he shuts his door, shuts himself off from the whole world, and retreats into himself.

six months later, he gets a call. 

**“hey hugh,”** says geordi laforge. **“long time no see.”**

and that’s how it begins. the healing -- the _real_ healing -- comes when someone is willing to just sit down and _listen_. 

_**( “are you ever lonely?” )**_ **  
_( “sometimes. but that's why we have friends.” )_  
 _( “friends?” )  
( “sure. someone you talk to, who will be with you when you're lonely. someone who makes you feel better.” )_ **

geordi is silent as hugh tells him everything. he tells him things he hasn’t told anyone else. things that the general public, that _starfleet_ doesn’t even know. and the other man just sits there, listening. taking it in. when he _does_ speak, it’s to ask a simple question. one hugh has failed to address.

**“so how are you _feeling?_ right now.”**

and hugh finds he doesn’t know the answer to that. he imagines phaser fire, the unmoving and mutilated bodies of the xbs. the blood on the ground, and on his hands. 

**“i’m sad,”** he says, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. **“and angry.”** geordi nods, and he hesitates. **“...and i want everyone to be alive again.”**

and then hugh cries. 

he cries, and he’s on the floor of the artifact. cries, and he’s standing in front of a starfleet admiral whose name he never bothered to remember, as he’s told that they will not go back for the remaining xbs. that they are outside the federations jurisdiction, and so are not worth their time or efforts. he cries, and he’s just been assaulted on the street walking back to his apartment, a group of humans hurtling insults and garbage at him as he passes.

when he composes himself enough to come back to reality, geordi is just sitting there, patient as ever, looking at him with the gentle expression he wore the first time they met. **“what do you need?”** geordi asks. no lecture, no advice, no asking if hugh’s okay when he very clearly is not. 

he _needs_ to go back to the artifact. he _needs_ to see if anyone is still alive. **“can i call you next week?”** he asks. **“i just need someone who will listen.”**

geordi doesn’t miss a beat. **“of course.”**

hugh stares at the screen for a long while after geordi’s image disappears. he falls asleep at his desk, and it’s the most rest he’s had in years.


	2. Everyone needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside of someone else. [Enoch & Raffi]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raffi makes unlikely friends in unlikely places.
> 
> **_"Everyone needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside of someone else.  
>  I kept my mind on the moon. Cold moon, long nights moon."_** \-- Richard Siken, Details of the Woods

a hologram is a hologram **_(_** is a hologram, is a hologram, is a hologram **_)_**. and if that’s all that rios’ strange crew were, then maybe they wouldn’t all be so miserable all the time. they certainly don’t look it -- not at a glance. most of them are cheerful, at least to a degree. focused on their tasks, always _working_. always focused on exactly what they were programmed to do.

**_(_** except, of course, when they aren’t. that’s when raffi gets the sense that something is fundamentally very wrong with these holograms. **_)_**

she’d thought she cracked the code on them, or rather, used them to crack the code on _rios_. and she’d left if alone after that. mystery solved, no more problem. 

as it turns out, rios had been right when he said the little fuckers were difficult to get rid of. 

**“good morning, ms. muskier!”** comes a cheerful voice as she enters the bridge. it gives her pause for only a moment. she’s not falling for that again. 

**“please don’t call me that,”** she says. it makes her feel like she’s aged ten years. as if this mission hasn’t aged her enough. **“just raffi is fine, enoch. how are you?”**

the enh turns around in his chair, and he’s smiling, and distantly raffi wonders how the hell he can smile like that when she’s barely seen light in rios’ eyes in weeks. whatever baggage the captain has that his holograms are carrying for him, enoch doesn’t seem too affected by it. but she notes the way his expression changes, how he simply lights up -- is it because she used his name? because she asked how he is? because she’s talking to him at all?

**“i’m doing just fine,”** he says, and that should be more than enough assurance for her. so why isn’t it?

that’s how it begins -- a greeting in the morning, a wave goodnight, a little nod or silly smile if they happen to pass each other in the corridor. ** _(_** for some reason that she can’t figure out, rios has stopped deactivating his holograms so often. either that or they’ve figured out a way to override that function and activate on their own. she wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter. **_)_** it only occurs to her later on that maybe he considers her to be a friend, and maybe ** _\--_** just maybe **_\--_** she thinks the same of him too.

it’s the kind of friendship that creeps up on you slowly, the kind where without even realizing it, you’re relying on the other person far more than you’d like to. and enoch, as it turns out, is an excellent listener. sweet, empathetic, acutely tuned in, and genuinely happy to be in her company. and the best part is that she knows she could alter his programming so that he can’t reveal anything she says in confidence. but, surprisingly, she’s never felt the need.

their chats begin to extend late into the night when everyone else has gone to bed and the bridge is empty and quiet save for the hum of the engines and the glow of the holographic screens. raffi is grateful for these moments, and so is he. it’s a little bit of normalcy, hidden behind an extremely strange situation.

when enoch appears in her quarters, unprompted, is when she starts to suspects something’s not right. **“is cris okay?”** she asks, urgency in her voice. **“did something happen?”**

enoch gives her a strange look. **“not my purview,”** he says, **“but yes, he’s fine. nothing happened. to him, that is.”**

that earns him an annoyed sigh, but even so, raffi is already patting the space on the bed next to her. he sits down, expression more troubled than she’s seen in a while. **“you’re always so damn cryptic,”** she says. **“what happened to _you_ , then?”**

there’s a long pause before he answers. **“you said we all had broken pieces of the captain inside of us. i don’t know that that’s true. i think it’s more like we’re pieces inside _him_.” **raffi stares at him, trying to understand, but she just doesn’t. **“when a hologram’s program stays running continuously, it’s only natural that they evolve and expand, becoming a little more of their own person as time goes on. but because i -- we -- have his memories, or bits of them anyway.... i get the sense that we’re just becoming more like him.”** the smile that’s always so permanently on his face is totally gone now. it’s unsettling. **“it’s like... i’m trapped.”**

raffi thinks on that. she looks at the hologram— the man — cris **_(_** but not cris **_)_** sitting next to her, and imagines what it must be like for him. if this were anyone else, she surely would’ve booted them from her quarters by now. but enoch’s listened to her own troubles for long enough that she feels like she owes it to him to try and help. **“do you want to be more like him?”** she asks. **“maybe that’s a stupid question. do you want to be your own person?”**

enoch doesn’t hesitate for a moment. **“of course i do,”** he says earnestly. **“that comes with sentience, doesn’t it?”**

does it? she wouldn’t know. she’s never really thought about it. **“i’d ask if you consider yourself sentient, but I guess that’s a stupid question too. i’d hope i haven’t been spilling all my secrets to someone who isn’t real.”**

a ghost of a smile returns to enoch’s face at that. **“i hope not too. that’d really suck, if I wasn’t real.”** he turns to her, something unreadable in his expression. **“am i real to you?”**

**“as real as anyone else on this ship,”** she assures him. enoch sighs contently, and drops his head onto her shoulder. raffi looks surprised, but raises her hand to stroke his hair. **“everyone needs a place,”** she says after a moment. **“it shouldn’t be inside of someone else.”**

if only it were that easy. **“i don’t know that that’s possible,”** enoch mumbles. **“he’s my whole life.”**

somehow, she’s not surprised. a memory of an old conversation stirs. it seems like a lifetime ago now. _**he said if i kept smiling at him, he’d punch me in the face.**_

**“you’re letting yourself be tormented,”** raffi says. **“trust me, no man is worth that.”**

enoch scoffs, but it sounds more like a laugh than anything else. she takes that as a good sign. **“just another vice he passed onto me, i guess. self-destructive to a fault.”**

**“you aren’t close with the others?”** she asks.

**“oh, i am. i love them all dearly.”** the fondness in his voice is unmistakable. **“but he’s different from us. and i can’t let go of that. he makes me feel... alive.”**

and who is raffi to argue with that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look I just LOVE these two. If you know me at all, you know I just adore Enoch and this friendship is so important to me.


	3. Love might be the wrong word [Enoch & Emil]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enoch is anxious about meeting Voyager's EMH, and Emil is there to listen.
> 
>  _ **"What can you learn from your opponent? More than you think.**_  
>  _ **Who will master this love? Love might be the wrong word.**_ \-- Richard Siken, Detail of the Fire

**“are you nervous?”**

they’re in bed together, something they often do when enoch isn’t needed on the bridge at night and emil isn’t watching out for a patient in intensive care. neither of them _need_ sleep, and enoch rarely enjoyed it, but they’d all collectively decided that if emmet naps on the job, then there’s probably something to be gained from sleeping even a little bit.

sleep really isn’t the point of it, enoch had quickly realized. it’s the part about falling into bed with someone you love that’s so alluring. no wonder so many characters in the books he’s read complain about sleeping alone.

**“...a little.”**

enoch’s not _in love_ with emil, though he’s often wondered if it would be easier if he were. easier, certainly, than pining for a man who would never return his feelings. enoch’s tried hard to get over him, and though the pain in his chest has long since faded to a dull ache whenever he sees the captain with _her_ , he knows his heart belongs to the one person who cannot reciprocate, and so it will remain. 

but what he lacks in romance, he makes up for in devoted friendship and loyalty, and a disregard for platonic stereotypes. and emil has been more than willing to join him in that.

**“i can’t believe you even convinced him to come here. he must be a very busy man.”**

**“i’m sure he is. but he seemed very interested in our.... arrangement.”**

they’re lying side by side, emil with a book in his left hand, and his right arm slung over enoch’s shoulder. enoch is curled against him, head nestled against the crook of the other’s arm, scrolling through his padd, looking over all his collected information on the doctor for the third time that night alone. 

**“i just don’t know how forward i should be,”** enoch says. **“if i act like too much of a fan, he won’t take me seriously. but if i act disinterested, he’ll think i don’t care. do i ask him about himself? i already know everything. do i tell him about us here? that’ll sound selfish. oh, i don’t know.”** he rolls over, burying his face against emil’s chest. **“it’s not every day you get to meet your hero.”  
**

emil sets down his book, pressing a kiss to the top of enoch’s head.

**“just be yourself. he’s going to love you.”**

enoch blushes, and looks up at the other, eyes bright and hopeful. **“you’ll come too, right?”**

emil laughs. **“i wouldn’t miss it. he’s like, an ancestor. i mean, _photons be free?_ that’s my history.”** enoch nods. **“we’re really lucky, you know?”**

he knows. though it’s hard sometimes, when things are bad, when rios is in a mood and keeps them all offline for long periods of time. but it happens less frequently now. he’s been better -- kinder -- since he got a full crew again. that’s something to be grateful for, at least. and it’s infinitely better than what all the original mark 1 emhs lives are like. he has a home here, a family. and tomorrow, they’re going to be visited by the most famous and renowned hologram in federation history.

 **“you should sleep,”** enoch says, plucking the book from emil’s hand and setting it down. the emh gives him a look, before taking the padd from him.

**“you first.”**

they both know neither one of them will. but it’s enough for enoch to close his eyes, letting his primary operating systems slip into standby mode, and run his sensory processor in the background as he settles against the other. he can feel emil shift next to him, and enoch winds his arms around his thin frame, holding him close. it won’t last. it never does. but he’s content, for a little while, and he thinks that maybe this life isn’t so bad after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing a thread right now where Reg befriends Enoch and is able to arrange for him to meet the Doctor, because Enoch is such a huge fan of his. This came out of that.

**Author's Note:**

> All of these drabbles are in their original forms (formatting and all) as they appear on my RP blogs.


End file.
